The Talk
by Lizard Pie
Summary: Every parent dreads teaching their children about puberty. The time has finally arrived in the Faust household.


AN: Faust VII's talk by request. What VIII thinks happens actually comes from a story my mythology teacher told us about his son.

Once again outside of dialogue, Johann refers to a young (in this case, seven-year-old) Faust VIII and Faust refers to his father, Faust VII.

This is very long piece with a lot of translations, so it's split into parts.

Part 1

Mutti –an informal, childish way to say mother

Leibling –sweetie

Ja –yes/yeah

Part 2

Hereingekommen –come in

Ich sehe –I see

Danke –Thank you

Mein dürftig baby –my poor baby

Ich bin so bedauere, baby –I'm so sorry, baby

Enrehvoll –honestly

Part 3

Du armleuchter –you jerk

Keineswegs –no way

Wirklich –really

Part 4

Nicht wirklich –not really

Bekanntlich –You know

Bedauere –Sorry

Part 5

Abkommen -Deal

He liked the bookstore, he really did. Normally, he'd be having a wonderful time.

Still, Johann was keeping his eyes more on the floor than anything as his mother browsed the shelf.

"Mutti?" he finally asked, glancing up through his hair.

She looked down, smiling softly, "Ja? Is something wrong?"

He looked at her hesitantly, "How did you guys make me?"

Henrietta dropped the book she'd been holding. Johann was looking at her innocently, completely naïve of the bomb shell he'd just blurted out.

"Uh… well…" she said with a nervous laugh, trying her best to come up with how she'd handle this, "This is… ah… really more a question a boy would ask his father."

"Oh, sorry …" Johann muttered, looking away.

She sighed before kneeling down to smile at him. "You didn't do anything wrong, leibling. Tell you what; I'll get you that book I saw you eyeing, then we'll go straight home so you can ask. Sound good?"

His mouth twitched up for a second, "Okay."

She smiled at him brightly and let him lead her off to the children's section of the store.

Her husband was going to kill her for this, she knew. It was a very nasty thing she was pulling on him.

But the alternative…?

She'd take the disagreement later, thank you.

!i!i!i!i!i!i!

Faust VII didn't look up from his paperwork at the knock on his study door. "Hereingekommen."

Johann slipped inside, shutting the door and taking a seat.

Faust glanced up, "Yes?"

He kept his eyes firmly on the floor; "Uh, Mutti told me I need to ask you…" he trailed off.

Faust sighed and put his pen down. He didn't mind how shy his son was most of the time –but trying to get any information out of him was growing to be more like pulling teeth every day. And he was far too busy for games today. "What?"

"How'd you guys make me?" he said quickly.

Faust's eyebrows shot up. "Your… mother told you to ask me?"

Johann barely nodded, "She said that boys ask their fathers."

"Ich sehe," he said, standing from his desk and walking over to pull a book off the shelf. "I suppose you're old enough. When a man and a woman wish to make a child, the man takes his penis and puts it in a woman's vagina. This is called sex…. What on earth is that face for?"

Johann was staring at him in utter terror, "I-i-it comes _off_?"

"_What_?" Faust asked, his mouth hung open as he tried to figure out where his son had gotten the idea, "No, of course it doesn't come off."

"But… you said he takes it…"

Apparently, Faust concluded, his son had the idea a man snapped his penis off and came at the woman as if it were a knife. He tightened his mouth as he flipped though the book to the right page.

"No. I could put my finger in your mouth without taking it off, couldn't I? It looks like this." He held up the book so Johann could see –a diagram of two people having sex.

His eyes went wide, jaw quivering, "_That's_ how you made me?"

Faust went back to flipping through the book, "Ja."

"But… uh… doesn't it hurt?"

He sighed, "No, it doesn't. This all comes after a process your body goes through called puberty." He showed a picture of the stages of development of male genitalia.

Johann stared at the picture for a long time before glancing down at his crotch as if it had betrayed him.

"As you develop testosterone, your body will go through changes. Your genitalia are going to descend as they mature to the full length."

"Why does it have to do that?" he asked softly.

Faust sighed, leaning his hip against the desk, "It's just part of getting older," he said, "You shouldn't worry. It's going to include a drop in voice, a growth spurt, and the growth of body hair. Girls, on the other hand…"

"Girls have one, too?" he asked hesitantly, "I thought you said…."

Faust sighed and shook his head, "No. It's called a vagina. Here." He flipped through the book, "This is a picture of one." He pointed, "It's the opening to the uterus; this right here. These are fallopian tubes, and then ovaries.

"In the ovaries, these are things called eggs –which in part create children. An egg sits here," he pointed, "For about a month. If she does not have sex, and her egg is not fertilized by a man's sperm in that time, it begins to break down and leave the body as blood. This is called menstruation and it takes about three to seven…"

"E-Eliza does _that_?" Johann asked, voice squeaking in horror.

"I'd say she's probably old enough; I don't know for sure. It's different for everyone. You'll probably start at about ten or so."

Johann was staring firmly at his feet as he took this all in.

"Any questions?" When his son shrugged, he offered the book to him, "This will explain everything in more detail. I have a lot of paperwork to do."

Johann clutched the book in his hands, but nodded. "Danke Papa," he said softly, leaving his seat and then the room.

Faust watched the door for a while before shutting it and returning to his paperwork. He'd done well in this, he decided, considering the whole thing was spur-of-the-moment.

Johann slowly made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen.

Henrietta looked up from the vegetables she was chopping to smile, but her face dropped at her son's expression. "Johann, what's wrong?"

Her eyes fell on the book in his hand, her old college anatomy textbook. "He didn't…. Oh, mein dürftig baby…." She said, falling to her knees and wrapping her arms around him.

She rocked him slowly and ran her fingers through his hair. "Ich bin so bedauere, baby. I shouldn't have done that to you." She sighed. "Give me the book; I have to have a talk with your papa." She moved her head to look into his eyes and smile, "Why don't you run over to Eliza's house for a while? I'll call you back when dinner's ready."

"Ja Mutti," he said, handing it over and slinking out the door.

She clenched the textbook as she watched him until he turned the corner at the street. When he was out of sight, she shut the door.

Henrietta took a moment to compose herself before storming to the base of the stairs. "Johann!" she roared.

Faust jumped slightly. After all the work he'd done to have a proper talk, what could she be so upset about?

He sighed and left the sanctuary of his office for the stairs. "Ja?" he asked, brow raised.

She held up the book, smiling bitterly at it. "You know, I sent him to his father for a nice, simple talk. Something easy to understand for a boy about, I don't know, _seven_? But no!" She paused to throw her hands in the air, "Not my husband!

"He _had_ to treat it like a college class. He _had_ to, yet again, treat his son as if he were ten years older than he is! Because, of course, he doesn't understand the term 'sugar-coat'!

"So, tell me, Johann," she said, looking him over critically, "In the twenty minutes he was with you, what the hell did you do to my baby?"

Faust looked at her, "I believe that I did what you _forced_ me to do well, Henrietta. And without so much as a phone call of warning, I might add."

"Did you even _look_ at him? He's practically ready to cry! And this," she motioned to the book, "Was the icing on the cake. Especially the picture I'm hoping to God you _didn't_ but I know you _did_ use."

He smiled for a moment, "He had this ridiculous idea in his head…"

"Which I'm sure you didn't put there," she said flatly, "Congratulations, you've officially scarred your son."

The two stared each other down for a long while before she crossed her arms.

"You're going to fix this. You are going out and buying a proper book, and when I finally call him home you're going to go through it and keep going through it until he understands and is comfortable."

He shook his head, "Henrietta, enrehvoll, I have so much…."

"He's your _son_. Your poor, confused, and now scared son. He's more important than whatever the hell you were doing up there," she snapped at him before she walked back into the kitchen and slammed the book in the trash.

Faust glared at the ceiling irritably as he did time calculations in his head. Ten minutes to the store, fifteen in, and then ten… an hour, a half hour, forty…. Chances were very good this would take all evening.

He wouldn't get any sleep tonight if he was going to finish both, as he needed to.

But… there could be no argument with her.

With a sigh, he head to the kitchen to grab his keys.

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

His fingers shaking slightly, Johann reached over and rang the doorbell, then tapped his heel as he waited for Eliza to answer.

She opened it and smiled at him brightly, "Johann! I didn't think you were…"

"Do you do it?" he asked quickly, eyes searching her.

Eliza blinked, looking at him more closely, "What are you…?"

"Do you do the bleeding thing?" Johann pressed, his voice more desperate.

Eliza's mouth twitched up nervously, "What do you mean 'the bleeding thing'?"

He fidgeted under her gaze as he tried to remember the word, "Uh… men… men…"

She paused, "…Sturation? You… mean a period?" Eliza's mouth hung open a little as she stared at him critically.

His eyes went to the floor as he blushed deeply and nodded.

She narrowed her eyes, "Du armleuchter; why would you ask… wait… how do _you_ even know about that? My Mutti just told me about it last week and you're so much younger…." Eliza's jaw dropped slightly as she leaned in, "Keineswegs."

Johann forced a shrug.

Eliza sighed and smiled at him apologetically. It wasn't as if this were the first time he'd come over such a mess from one of his father's ill-timed 'talks'.

"Your Mutti has to start telling you things instead. Come on –let's do something to get your mind off it." She motioned with her head for him to come inside.

He held his ground, but spoke softly, "So… do you do it?"

She looked him in the eye, "Are you not going to come over here again if I do?"

Johann winced and looked away, "Well, no, but…"

Eliza leaned in a bit, "Then why does it matter?"

He paused and shrunk down, "I, um… well…"

She moved her head to get in his line of sight and smiled at him, "Don't worry about it, okay? Everything's gonna be the same as it always was. I'm not any different."

He glanced at her, "Wirklich?"

Eliza nodded, "Ja, wirklich. Come on in, there's a movie on."

For just a second, his mouth twitched up. Johann then allowed her to take him by the hand and lead him inside.

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

Dinner, for the most part, was eaten in total silence. The three kept their eyes on their plates as they tried to sort through what exactly was going to happen that evening.

Henrietta finally swallowed her last bite. "Why don't you two head into the living room?" She shot a look to Faust, "I'm sure you both have a lot to talk about."

Johann shrunk down a little further –playing with his one remaining piece of broccoli with his fork. "N-nicht wirklich."

His parents exchanged a glance before Faust sighed. "Yes, we do. Come on." He stood and pat Johann lightly on the shoulder before heading out the doorway.

Johann looked to his mother for help as he held his seat.

Henrietta sighed before she smiled and kissed him on the forehead. "Don't worry; leibling. I'll be listening –I promise it won't be scary this time."

He looked her over and nodded before slinking after his father.

She watched him for a while before beginning to clear the table as softly as she could. There was no way she was going to let her son go to bed like he was right now.

Faust looked over his son as the boy finally came into the room. "Bekanntlich … if you don't understand what I tell you, you can say so."

"Bedauere Papa…" he said softly, taking his seat and cautiously eyeing the store bag.

Faust sighed and pulled a children's puberty book out of it.

"Alright then," he said softly, flipping past the introduction to the first chapter, "We'll try it slower this time…."

!i!i!i!i!i!i!i!

It was nearly eleven when Henrietta slipped into her husband's office. He looked up for just a moment before turning his attention back to his work.

With a smile, she walked over and slipped her arms around his shoulders. "You did well, Johann."

"Danke," he said lightly, scribbling his signature at the bottom of a sheet before moving to another one.

"You really are good at fathering, if you bother to try," she told him, holding him closer.

He smirked as he looked over his shoulder, "Am I, now?"

"Ja," she said, kissing him softly, "But don't you _ever_ do that to him again."

"Give me warning next time, then," he said, turning away from his work entirely to look her over, "Enough of me having to wing things this important."

The stared at each other for a while before exchanging a smile.

"Abkommen," she promised softly, squeezing him closer.

He moved a hand to hold hers as he went back to his work.


End file.
